Well, I have decided it is time to update everyone on our not-so-great news we received about two weeks ago. The birthmother has changed her mind. Unfortunately, that is all I know. I do not know why or when she decided this, but I do know that it was very last minute and not one person saw it coming.
In the process of adoption there are so many uncertainties, and this is just another one of them. I would have told you last month that I knew the possibility was there and that it was an option for her to change her mind, but the closer we came to the due date, the more my worries and fears went out the window. I let my guard down. In the aftermath of this news, I have moved to Charleston. Many of you knew that Michael is already down here with the Air Force, and I found that I really just needed to be with him. He is a rock. I am so blessed to have a husband who is so incredibly understanding and supportive.
I continue to count my blessings and find more and more to be thankful for each day. I was able to get an early start to my new job down here which means less time for me to sit around twiddling my thumbs, and more time for me to take a deep breath, hold up my head, and get a fresh beginning. Michael and I have had numerous"What now?" conversations lately. The next 18 years of our lives have suddenly become free. Quite frankly, we have no idea what is next and we have no idea what to do now. Maybe I'm beginning to be ok with that, or maybe I am beginning to realize I can handle more than I thought, but that doesn't scare me. To stick with my overly-used life metaphor, our journey has taken a sharp veer off course and we are forced to create our own path for a while.
Of course, I wouldn't say this is easy, and I would not say that this is what I prefer, but as I fight through my attempts not to be bitter and especially not to cringe when people ask "Do you have any kids?" or "When are you guys going to have a family?", but instead look at this birthmother and our situation with the love and grace with which God looks at me, I know that I am going to be ok. Without a doubt adoption is still something that Michael and I will look to again in the future. Maybe there is a lesson in all of this somewhere. Trust me, when I figure it out, you will be the first to know!
For now, I am focusing on staying optimistic and looking desperately for the silver lining. As I recently read, "Disappointments are God's way of saying, 'I've got something better'!" I trust in that. No matter what, God is still good.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Updates and more!
So I realized today that I have been a bit lax on my once a month posts. I know, I know! I can't even handle one post a month! So, consider February's entry a two-part catch-up.
Part I
A lot has been happening in mine and Michael's lives. I feel that God is really pushing us closer and closer to Him and teaching us what it means to have a humble heart and a full trust in His promises for us. I never really know where I will be one day to the next, but I have full confidence that my husband and my God will be by my side and that makes all the difference.
Part of this reliance comes from the financial worries that I have. We have been doing a t-shirt fundraiser in attempt to cut down some of the tremendous costs coming our way. T-shirts are super cute (by the way) and are only $10 if you are interested! We know that by no means will this completely cover our payments, but this will help :) This entire process has taught me that it is ok to ask for help when you need it, and that God provides some fantastic ways to show that he is in control. My family and my friends have been so incredibly supportive and I cannot thank everyone enough!
My sister, Jill, did an incredible thing for me the other weekend. She threw me a baby shower! For a long time I had really put the idea of ever having a baby shower out of my mind for one reason or another. This shower was everything I could have ever wanted and more. My family and friends showed up in true fashion and we had a really good time! Thanks again to everyone for the love and presents you had stored up for Landon.
Part II
This leads me to the latest miracle! Michael and I were so fortunate to be able to witness Landon's 4-D ultrasound (who knew that they don't do 3-D anymore?!). When I first saw him I was speechless. He is beautiful! I kept finding myself in this moment of pure joy for being able to see him and pure admiration for his birth mom. I kept looking at her during the appointment and thought to myself "Wow! How will I ever be able to show her how grateful I am?!"
Of course, by the time we were in the elevators heading to the parking lot, Michael had to point out the obvious that I was a little teary-eyed the entire time. It especially hit me when I saw Landon's smiling face (yes, he smiled!) and I couldn't help but think that it was because of all the love he felt in the room.
I have always known that our lives are journeys. Where we go, who we meet, what we do, is all up to us (and a little influence by God). There is no doubt in my mind that this is just another chapter in the journey of mine and Michael's life. Our eyes are focused on our goal and we will not waver in trusting in the path ahead of us. Through all the stress and all the worry. God is good.
"I press on toward the goal to win the prize which God has given me!" --Phillipians 3:14
Part I
A lot has been happening in mine and Michael's lives. I feel that God is really pushing us closer and closer to Him and teaching us what it means to have a humble heart and a full trust in His promises for us. I never really know where I will be one day to the next, but I have full confidence that my husband and my God will be by my side and that makes all the difference.
Part of this reliance comes from the financial worries that I have. We have been doing a t-shirt fundraiser in attempt to cut down some of the tremendous costs coming our way. T-shirts are super cute (by the way) and are only $10 if you are interested! We know that by no means will this completely cover our payments, but this will help :) This entire process has taught me that it is ok to ask for help when you need it, and that God provides some fantastic ways to show that he is in control. My family and my friends have been so incredibly supportive and I cannot thank everyone enough!
My sister, Jill, did an incredible thing for me the other weekend. She threw me a baby shower! For a long time I had really put the idea of ever having a baby shower out of my mind for one reason or another. This shower was everything I could have ever wanted and more. My family and friends showed up in true fashion and we had a really good time! Thanks again to everyone for the love and presents you had stored up for Landon.
Part II
This leads me to the latest miracle! Michael and I were so fortunate to be able to witness Landon's 4-D ultrasound (who knew that they don't do 3-D anymore?!). When I first saw him I was speechless. He is beautiful! I kept finding myself in this moment of pure joy for being able to see him and pure admiration for his birth mom. I kept looking at her during the appointment and thought to myself "Wow! How will I ever be able to show her how grateful I am?!"
Of course, by the time we were in the elevators heading to the parking lot, Michael had to point out the obvious that I was a little teary-eyed the entire time. It especially hit me when I saw Landon's smiling face (yes, he smiled!) and I couldn't help but think that it was because of all the love he felt in the room.
I have always known that our lives are journeys. Where we go, who we meet, what we do, is all up to us (and a little influence by God). There is no doubt in my mind that this is just another chapter in the journey of mine and Michael's life. Our eyes are focused on our goal and we will not waver in trusting in the path ahead of us. Through all the stress and all the worry. God is good.
"I press on toward the goal to win the prize which God has given me!" --Phillipians 3:14
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