God is still good

Well, I have decided it is time to update everyone on our not-so-great news we received about two weeks ago. The birthmother has changed her mind. Unfortunately, that is all I know. I do not know why or when she decided this, but I do know that it was very last minute and not one person saw it coming.

In the process of adoption there are so many uncertainties, and this is just another one of them. I would have told you last month that I knew the possibility was there and that it was an option for her to change her mind, but the closer we came to the due date, the more my worries and fears went out the window. I let my guard down. In the aftermath of this news, I have moved to Charleston. Many of you knew that Michael is already down here with the Air Force, and I found that I really just needed to be with him. He is a rock. I am so blessed to have a husband who is so incredibly understanding and supportive.

I continue to count my blessings and find more and more to be thankful for each day. I was able to get an early start to my new job down here which means less time for me to sit around twiddling my thumbs, and more time for me to take a deep breath, hold up my  head, and get a fresh beginning.  Michael and I have had numerous"What now?" conversations lately. The next 18 years of our lives have suddenly become free. Quite frankly, we have no idea what is next and we have no idea what to do now. Maybe I'm beginning to be ok with that, or maybe I am beginning to realize I can handle more than I thought, but that doesn't scare me. To stick with my overly-used life metaphor, our journey has taken a sharp veer off course and we are forced to create our own path for a while.

Of course, I wouldn't say this is easy, and I would not say that this is what I prefer, but as I fight through my attempts not to be bitter and especially not to cringe when people ask "Do you have any kids?" or "When are you guys going to have a family?", but instead look at this birthmother and our situation with the love and grace with which God looks at me, I know that I am going to be ok. Without a doubt adoption is still something that Michael and I will look to again in the future. Maybe there is a lesson in all of this somewhere. Trust me, when I figure it out, you will be the first to know!

For now, I am focusing on staying optimistic and looking desperately for the silver lining. As I recently read, "Disappointments are God's way of saying, 'I've got something better'!" I trust in that. No matter what, God is still good.